Currently Playing Transatlanticism By Death Cab for Cutie see related

- new year

hello.

so much to talk about.

my life has been difficult these past few months. on and off medication, gone to a behavioral clinic, dealing with a breakup, and adjusting relationships to try and fit the person that i am now.

i'm bipolar. when i first was off of my anti psychotic, i couldn't control myself. i ranted, and when i was drained from that and from familial pressure, i'd go to my room and cry. i couldn't begin to express myself, i couldn't define myself. i no longer knew what i wanted from life, where i wanted to go, and who i wanted to go there with. some days it was hard, not knowing how to deal with such a difficult state of mind, where you don't even know yourself, let alone how you react to other people and how you begin to live your life normally again. the smallest things would make me freak out. i hurt my parents deeply. when i was first admitted into the behavioral clinic, my mother sobbed. and i laughed at her, feeling myself react, almost as if my thoughts were separate from my body. which makes no sense, since it was my mind responsible for it all, but that was how it felt.

i was out of the clinic, feeling good, on new medication. then i suffered a side effect, and the process began all over again.

i met chris, and we dated for a time. it was fabulous, but now that it's over i don't miss it at all. it seems part of someone i was in a distant past, and everything is foggy and difficult to recall. i can barely remember the person i was. and i don't want to remember.

now i'm stabilized on an anti-psychotic and an anti-depressant. i'm feeling good, for what seems like the first time in my life, though i know that's not the case.

but if there's anything that my experience through these months has taught me, it's that life is a journey. i had the experiences i needed to have because they've made me grow. they've made me feel more fulfilled knowing i've made it out okay.

in the past few weeks, i've begun to have some triumphs. i get to see my best friend on the 9th. i'm taking the SAT. i'm doing well with my teachers. i got my black belt. the times leading up to and immediately after the black belt test made me realize something, something i want to live my life by, from now on. that thing is, that if i put all my heart into something, i will be alright. i don't ever want to go back to that pathetic girl i was in the period between medications. because i won't settle for living life that way.

i've been reading a lot. i've been trying to meet each day with confidence, and to not over-analyze stuff. because i am who i am. i don't need to be held down by what others think of me, and i certainly won't be held down by my disorder. period.

Currently Playing Ok to Go By Virginia Coalition see related

so chris asked me out. :O :O :O :O

yay!

Currently Playing Live Phish Vol. 15: 10/31/96, The Omni, Atlanta, Georgia By Phish see related

- jesus just left chicago

chris is coming today! yay!

i got a guitar, which i named galad, for christmas. it's got a little bit of red on it, so i'm gonna buy a white pick and a red strap and then it will be all andor colored. :D it's beautiful! :)

i can play "outloud" already (by dispatch), here are the lyrics:

Outloud

Would you be the wind

To blow me home?

Would you be a dream

On the wings of a poem?

And if we were walking

Through a crowd

Well you know I’d be proud

If you’d call my name out loud

If you’d call my name out loud

Do you suppose that I would come running?

Do you suppose I’d come at all?

I suppose I would

And if we were walking

Down a dead-end street

Would you be the one

To let our eyes meet?

Or would you just keep on walking

Down to the turnaround?

Cause you know I’d be proud

If you’d call my name out loud

If you’d call my name out loud

Do you suppose that I would come running?

Do you suppose I’d come at all?

I suppose I would

And if we were gone

From the land we know

Would you be the dawn

And let your beauty still show?

And if you were out walking

And heard the cold night coming

Would you call my name?

Cause you know I’d come running

If you’d call my name out loud

If you’d call my name out loud

Do you suppose that I would come running?

Do you suppose I’d come at all?

You know I would

You know I would

You know I would

You know I would

I’d come running

I’d come running

If you’d call my name out loud

so hoorah! it actually sounds okay. :) and it's a great song!

i also got a really pretty watch, a fancy schmancy ddr pad (a red octane!), and some cds (incubus, virginia coalition, phish, and DMB). :) yaaaaaay!

i love galad. :D

Currently Watching Dispatch - Under the Radar see related

almost christmas, whee! here's me in my santa hat. :D

http://photos.yahoo.com/tigraine_mantear

Currently Reading The Great Hunt (The Wheel of Time, Book 2) By Robert Jordan see related

...basics//
[x] whats your name? brittany
[x] how old? 16...almost 17...yikes!
[x] siblings? 1 bro, charlie
[x] their ages: 9
[x] female Or male: um, i am female (last time i checked! lol erin) and the BROTHER part would indicate the CHARLIE is MALE. geesh.
[x] birthday: feb 20 88
[x] nationality: irish, scottish, german, french, british

[x] birthplace: north penn hospital, i think.
[x] current school: cb south…fuck west it sucks ass <---- :O language!

south :P
[x] eye color: blue
[x] righty or lefty: righty
[x] zodiac sign: pisces...dumb fish
[x] innie or outtie: innie

..describe //
[x] the shoes you wore today: none (home sick)
[x] your eyes: are blue?
[x] your fears: deep water, heights, failure, people
[x] your most overused phrase on aim:  RAND!

[x]when u first wake up: fuck <--- language!!!!

"darn it, i have to do homework"
[x] the first feature you notice in the opposite sex: gray eyes, red slightly curly hair (i can dream can't i?)

[x] your best physical feature: body or eyes or hair, i guess
[x] your bedtime: about 9-10
[x] your most missed memory: being at my old school. :(:(:(:(
..you prefer //
[x] pepsi or coke: don't care
[x] mcdonald's or burger king: >.< you've GOT to be kidding
[x] cappuccino or coffee: i like espresso explosion ice cream, if that helps O:)

..do you //
[x] smoke: never!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[x] cuss: hardly ever, occasionally i'll say h e double hockey sticks (i've said that 3 times, i think), once i said...the s word... and once i said effing...:P

oh yeah, i do write "dammit" online, don't really have a problem with that.

oh, and i said "ass" :( :( :( oops.

[x] take a shower everyday: every two or three days
[x] Have a crush: no
[x] who are they: see above
[x] do you think you've been in love?: no
[x] want to go to college: nah I would prefer to use all my amazing pool skills to hussle my way through life<---- lol

yeah, i can't wait!!!!! :D
[x] want to get married: no, i'd like to have a lover though...marriage is overrated
[x] type w/ your fingers on the right keys?: no, i improvise
[x] believe in yourself: always, no one has an ego to match mine :P
[x] get motion sickness: depends what it is...if i'm reading in the car, i do.
[x] think you're attractive: sure... i'm not great looking but i'm proud of my body, etc etc.
[x] think you're a health freak: no, my diet is carbs and fat :P i AM, however, a ddr freak :D
[x] get along with your parents: my mother is my best friend, my dad is too much like me
[x] like thunderstorms: sure, no reason to dislike them

[x] play an instrument: played flute and piccolo for four years, dabble in piano, probably getting a guitar

..in the past month did:have you //
[x] went to the mall: yes, to go christmas shopping (imagine me getting out of the house!)
[x] eaten sushi: no...
[x] been on stage: no
[x] been dumped: no
[x] gone skating: no
[x] made homemade cookies: yeah, for breakfast :D i rock.
[x] been in love: no
[x] dyed your hair: yes (red, again)

[x] stolen anything: no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[x] told somebody you liked them: sure not like like but yeah…next question…<-- good answer, actually i've told several people "i love you!" but not in that way, obviously
..have you ever //
[x] flown on a plane: yes, maybe 15/20 times
[x] missed school because it was raining?: no :O
[x] told a guy/girl that you liked them?: see above
[x] cried during a movie?: all the time, i cry a lot
[x] ever thought an animated character was hot: yeah, and fictional characters too, that's even worse! RAND! GALAD! w00t!
[x] cut your hair: I want to cut my hair when it gets really long with those shapey scissors< -- LOL no, i won't be cutting it for a while
[x] had crush on a teacher?: ew no!
[x] played a game that required removal of clothing?: no! how indecent!
[x] been trashed or extremely intoxicated: are you KIDDING? :P

[x] been caught "doing something": never!
[x] been called a tease: yes, actually! also been called a lesbian, that was funny. :P
[x] gotten beaten up ?: by allie at karate, and one of the new girls just stood there and watched and i was screaming "help meeeeee!" lol
..opposite sex //
[x] notice first? height, hair, eyes
[x] have a BF/GF? no
[x] any specific kind of guy/girl you into? intelligent, deep thinking, pretty :D, musical...with a good sense of self
[x] feelin anyone? Myself but other than that no <--- :O :O :O ew!
[x] been rejected? yes, once...his mother thought i was a pagan demon O:)
[x] ever rejected sumone? yeah... :( long story
[x] broken someones heart?: i'm not sure
[x] ever been heart broken?: no
[x] if so how many times?: ...
[x] how many ppl of the opposite sex is in your buddy list on AIM right now?: a lot! i have like 7 girls and 50 bazillion guys lol
[x] been kissed recently?: lol, no...i'm not into the "dating" thing

[x] from who? I dunno <--- how do you not know???
[x] best eye color: gray
[x] best hair color: red! *dies*
[x] best height: 6' or taller
..number of //:
[x] number of drugs taken illegally: :O :O :O none!
[x] number of people I could trust with my life: just one...*hugs to alex*
[x] number of CDs that I own: maybe 50
[x] number of piercings: two

[x] number of tattoos: none, i might get one though, at sometime, i could see myself doing something like that
[x] number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper? once, i think
[x] number of scars on my body: two
[x] number of things in my past that I regret: not many...i do my best not to mess up the first time

..favorites //
[x] shampoo: who cares? :P
[x] fav color(s): red, yellow
[x] day/night: don't care

[x] summer/winter: neither, fall
[x] lace or satin: satin, hate lace
[x] fave cartoon character: none?
[x] fave food: chocolate and pasta :P
[x] fave movies: monty python and the holy grail, amelie, star wars original trilogy, lotr trilogy

..right now //
[x] wearing: *blush* I didn’t know I was suppose to have clothes on to fill these things out <--- LMAO erin! a red pj top and green pants...i'm all christmas-y. :D
[x] thinking about: this survey?
[x] listening to: nothing, have a headache :(

..in the last 24 hours //
[x] cried: 4 times, sad, isn't it?
[x] met someone new online: tried...i guess he thought i was a stalker... :P
[x] done laundry: no
[x] drove a car: no
[x] talked on the phone: no

..friends and life //
[x] do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?: no, i have a fictional boyfriend though ;)
[x] do you like anyone?: no
[x] which one of your friends acts the most like you? alex
[x] close to any family member?: my mom
[x] who do you hang around the most?: my books and my computer :P
[x] when have you cried the most: every single day since i've been off my meds.
[x] what's the best feeling in the world?: knowing i did the right thing
[x] worst feeling?: knowing i did the wrong thing

..others //
[x] ever fallen for a friend? no
[x] ever dated someone out of your school? no
[x] whats your fav. music video?: coldplay - the scientist
[x] you are___?: complex

x] you know anyone that is feeling you right now? :O :O ew! i m anti that sort of stuff.
..randomness //
[x] i love to____with people? be ignored by
[x] what are the last 4 digits of your cell phone #? don't have one, not like i'd use it.
[x] what was the last thing you ate? caramel chocolates :D
[x] the last person u talked on the phone with? chris :D:D:D:D:D:D:D
[x] favorite drink? virgin stawberry daquiri oooh yeah
[x] the last movie that you saw? well, i watched the dispatch dvd yesterday
[x] hugs or kisses? neither
[x] what book are u readin? the great hunt and lord of chaos (both again, for the unmpteenth time)
[x] the loudest person/people you know: obnoxious people in my lunch
[x] car: ?
[x] best friend(s): alex, meg, mark, nikki, as far as internet goes, dan and chris
[x] did you like this quiz: sure. :P