| | - new year hello.
so much to talk about.
my life has been difficult these past few months. on and off medication, gone to a behavioral clinic, dealing with a breakup, and adjusting relationships to try and fit the person that i am now.
i'm bipolar. when i first was off of my anti psychotic, i couldn't control myself. i ranted, and when i was drained from that and from familial pressure, i'd go to my room and cry. i couldn't begin to express myself, i couldn't define myself. i no longer knew what i wanted from life, where i wanted to go, and who i wanted to go there with. some days it was hard, not knowing how to deal with such a difficult state of mind, where you don't even know yourself, let alone how you react to other people and how you begin to live your life normally again. the smallest things would make me freak out. i hurt my parents deeply. when i was first admitted into the behavioral clinic, my mother sobbed. and i laughed at her, feeling myself react, almost as if my thoughts were separate from my body. which makes no sense, since it was my mind responsible for it all, but that was how it felt.
i was out of the clinic, feeling good, on new medication. then i suffered a side effect, and the process began all over again.
i met chris, and we dated for a time. it was fabulous, but now that it's over i don't miss it at all. it seems part of someone i was in a distant past, and everything is foggy and difficult to recall. i can barely remember the person i was. and i don't want to remember.
now i'm stabilized on an anti-psychotic and an anti-depressant. i'm feeling good, for what seems like the first time in my life, though i know that's not the case.
but if there's anything that my experience through these months has taught me, it's that life is a journey. i had the experiences i needed to have because they've made me grow. they've made me feel more fulfilled knowing i've made it out okay.
in the past few weeks, i've begun to have some triumphs. i get to see my best friend on the 9th. i'm taking the SAT. i'm doing well with my teachers. i got my black belt. the times leading up to and immediately after the black belt test made me realize something, something i want to live my life by, from now on. that thing is, that if i put all my heart into something, i will be alright. i don't ever want to go back to that pathetic girl i was in the period between medications. because i won't settle for living life that way.
i've been reading a lot. i've been trying to meet each day with confidence, and to not over-analyze stuff. because i am who i am. i don't need to be held down by what others think of me, and i certainly won't be held down by my disorder. period. |
